Late Night Ponderings

It’s not even that late. Clock is slowly crawling towards 2 am.  I can’t sleep so figured I’ll post an actual update since it’s been a while and a half since I posted anything. I’m fully aware of my own inconsistency with writing on here but life has a habit of getting in the way.  Lately I’ve been focusing mainly on my uni work and my witchcraft shop. It’s quite interesting how quickly time can pass when you don’t pay attention to it.  Hopefully I’ll find something more constructive to write for you soon my darlings. I’m thinking of sharing some of my fiction actually. Sounds like a plan. *nods to herself*


Remember, remember the fifth of November…

… Gunpowder treason and plot. I know of no reason why gunpowder treason should ever be forgot…

It’s the 5th of November, the Bonfire Night. For so many of us it is a good time to set of fireworks, roast marshmallows and celebrate…

But celebrate what? Your school textbook will most likely inform you that we are celebrating the fact that Guy Fawkes was stopped. Feel free to believe them if you’re so inclined or your personal beliefs make you do so.


I celebrate the memory of a last man who walked into the parliament building with true intentions and will to stand up and die for what he believed. Whether his views and beliefs were “right”, “wrong” or maybe even deluded we’ll never truly know since only Mr. Fawkes knew the truth.

Now let’s look at it from more contemporary concept. How many people died for their beliefs since then? How many people whose names we don’t know. People who watched the world around them with horror and instead of bowing their heads stood up and said “something’s gotta change!”.

V said: There is something seriously wrong with this country.

I say; there’s something bloody wrong with this world.

I’m not saying we should blow up the parliament or kill people for what WE believe in, but maybe it’s time to stop sitting on our arses and whining about everything that’s wrong around us. Maybe just maybe it really is time to act. Send the message to those around us. Message to people that they should not be afraid of standing up for their beliefs. Message to politicians explaining that they are doing difficult job… but they also suck at it. That they have become hungry for money and power. Every authority has become corrupt and it does no longer to seem to be about what’s good for people and countries.

There are many conspiracy theories going around. Does the government really lie to us at every step? Did they use cover of terrorism to exercise their power and control over people? I don’t know. I have no solid evidence one way or the other but I do know that most authorities will tell you what suits them best. What they are most likely to benefit from, and it disgusts me.

Governments limit access to information and knowledge, the only version of most stories they’re happy with is their own. It applies to most large companies but… is this what running a country became? Running a business?

“Budget cuts are a necessity” claims every politician, so it’s cut, hospitals, schools, job centres, youth centres, community support organisations, mental health facilities, research facilities… the list goes on but… when was the last time we heard of MPs getting their wages cut? A Prime Minister on National Minimun? *dramatic gasp*.

And these are the people talking about people “sapping tax payer’s money” by not having a job or not being able to afford their education.

People with serious disabilities being forced to live off ridiculous amounts.

There are countries considering themselves “advanced” and “civilised” where people still suffer from extreme poverty because their government “can’t afford” giving them support, where people die of treatable illnesses because they can’t afford insurance or medical bills…

… And here is most of us. Watching it while sat on our behinds and doing nothing about it… Where is sense in that? More to the point: Why?


One failed relationship and a lot of drama later…world’s still spinning. Either way.  The topic of this post has very little to do with my recent relationship life and a lot to do with recent ponderings of my twisted brain.  This one is about bottlers.  Everyone knows at least one bottler. If you don’t you’re either not very perceptive or you are the bottler amongst your close ones.  Now what is a bottler?  Bottler is that lovely guy or girl who’s there for everyone but you’ve never seen them upset or hurt.  Bottler always claims to be ok.  Bottler will insist that they can deal with everything on their own and will not allow people to be there for them unless they’re  armed with a lot of patience and a sledge hammer.  The funny thing is sooner or later a bottler WILL explode and it won’t  be pretty. Especially that since bottler never let anyone close they most likely  are going to push anyone trying to help them away.  Now here is a message from heart to all the bottlers and their friends. If you’re  a bottler you’re  going to insist  that it worked for you so far even if you break down every other week just to bottle it all back up then rinse and repeat. Now, my dear bottler.  I’m  pretty sure you have at least  one friend who will still care about you if you let them into your head. True friends don’t think any less of their close ones just because they opened up.  True friends won’t leave after seeing your true feelings and emotions. I know  past experiences might  have made you believe  otherwise but in all honesty whoever made you trust then left when you did- they weren’t worth your time.  It takes a lot of strength to open up and trust again but think of those friends of yours  who just happened to walk in at the wrong moment, when you couldn’t  keep the cork on that bottle and stood by you.  These are your true friends and opening up to them isn’t going  to make the world stop spinning, it won’t  start zombie apocalypse nor kill a kitten but it might make you feel better and maybe just maybe make you happier.  It is also likely  to bring  you closer with a friend or two and distinguish between dicks  and true friends. Dear bottler, as hard as it is you ARE strong  enough to trust and you CAN show your true self to those who care. You deserve the same amount of care and support you give out

As for those close to a bottler. No amount of pushing  is going  to help you get through  bottlers’ defences. What you truly need is honesty and patience.  Ability to show them that you accept them no matter what and never think of them as weak or pathetic.  Just stand by them.

And a short and straight  message to all those who stayed friends with someone as long as they were happy but disappeared as soon as the friend showed that they do have feelings, that things in their life whether big or small do affect them and that they need support as much as you do… You’re not friends.  You’re immature leeches and I hope you die in a firey pit of zombies.

Of Mice and Men…

This post has been inspired purely by people’s idiocy. You see some of us seem to have been raised to believe in stereotypes. Yes, them things. Not many however seem to realise how harmful these stereotypes can be, one that I personally despise to the point of nausea is the good ol’ “Boys don’t cry”. It sounds simple and harmless however what it essentially does it teaches people from very young age that suppressing our emotions and feelings is the way to go. Many men grew up with an honest belief that crying or being upset makes you weak and pathetic, that it somehow makes you less of a man. Now as my dearly respected friend once said: “If God didn’t want you to cry he wouldn’t have given you tear ducts.”. Expressing our feelings does not make us weak. It makes us true, no man nor woman is constructed to be an emotionless robot and no one should ever feel ashamed of showing their feelings in the most natural of ways. Men, women, children, elderly straight, gay, bi, black, white… every single one of us goes through life experiencing joy, pain, anger, sadness and is perfectly within their rights to express it not matter who they are, and there’s no harm to anyone’s masculinity to do so. 

Still not convinced? Let me try make it scientific, men are wildly know to suffer from mental illnesses and disorders to more severe degree than women, more and more psychologists wonder whether the reason for it isn’t as simple as the fact that they are outright scared to admit they need help, they believe that admitting that they’re suffering from i.e. depression will make them weak, so instead of allowing themselves to get help they require they bottle it up. Now you don’t need a PhD to figure out how badly that can end. 

Men more often deny themselves the right to be comforted and cared for in the most simple of ways due to the same ingrained fear. Now, what I’m curious how is being terrified of expressing yourself make you stronger than having the courage to open up?

If you’re a guy who has been judged and mistreated because of opening up- the person who ridiculed your honesty really wasn’t worth the bother, you deserve better than that so don’t be afraid to try again.

If you’re a guy who laughed at friend’s tears… you’re not a man, you’re a mouse, you can hide from everything but you’ll never be able to hide from yourself, so you can sit there watching life but never allow yourself to fully experience it. That’s your choice, allow your friend’s to make their own.

If you’re a woman who laughed at guy’s tears… put yourself in their shoes, how would that made you feel? Now, tell me how are they so different? How did you figure out that they have less right to this outlet than you do?

Now, if you’re a parent of a little boy, you probably love this kid more than anyone in the world and you want what’s best for them, you want them to be strong and brave, smart and talented… teach them not to push people away, teach them to understand that asking for help isn’t a bad thing, that they should show it when they’re happy, they should allow people to cheer them up when they’re sad, that everyone experiences emotions and feelings and there’s nothing wrong with showing them and most of all, even the strongest person in the world sooner or later will need a friend, and even the best friend, partner, companion, lover won’t be there for them unless they allow them to be. And no one wants to go through life feeling like they have to deal with everything alone.

Still alive and kicking

So network issues mostly sorted sadly lost most of my work so seems like I’m starting fresh. For those of you who are interested in the world of V quick update, since the last post I started working on my own business (yay) and have been looking for a good blog story.

From the world of RP. Simi and a lot of other RP from DH Origins are finally back.  Hopefully for good and if not let’s hope people stand up and fight. 

Due to multiple tech failures I was unable to publish previously promised article on the subject but I would still like to thank everyone who got involved… as for those who asked me not to quote them… why say something in favour of what you believe in the group if you don’t have the guts to say it to the world?


I’m ok… really

No Internet shafted my posting for a while, then life got in the way. I’m back now. With a reflection/rant.

5 months and a day ago everything I ever planned for the future crashed and burned. Part of me hasn’t came out since then either. 

Over a year ago I offered to share the most precious thing I had in life with someone I actually trusted. My mistake. They took my relationship, all my plans for the future, person I love way more than I could ever explain. Pushed me out of my life and my common sense. Yes. I made mistakes. Epic ones in fact. Both me and him did. I have moved on with my life. So did he. We are friends and I treasure this friendship more than anything. But I’m not recovered. Most of the time I’m actually ok. I’m happy. Then all of sudden my mind goes for a wander. I know there is no power in the universe that could change things. I just wish we could both sit down and talk about everything that went wrong. Explain why we sometimes acted the way we did. 

I’d give anything to somehow exchange minds for just a night. So we could see things the way the other one saw/sees them. He says what happened wasn’t my fault but his actions said differently many times. And yes. I’d do anything to clear it all up properly and even more for a chance to start from a scratch. I’m still the person he fell in love with. Just clearly wasn’t good enough. Clearly it was easier to leave without a word than actually try and resolve it. 

I would lie if I said I hold no grudge. I don’t hate him nor her. I hate some of their actions but nobody is perfect and we all fuck up. I detest the way she treated people she called friends. I detest the way she treated me and lack of respect she had for mine and his relationship. It still hurts to see that so many things were alright for her to do but were seen as out of order if I did them. I hate the lies they both told. There were things that went wrong regardless but they were fixable. Potentially anyway. I hate some of the things I did and said. 

I hate the fact that I still mourn Little Kitty and the thing that cuts deeper than anything is that the only person I want/need/am able to talk about it to is him. No. I haven’t melted down on his shoulder about all of this. I can’t, It’s the last thing he and our friendship need. It just sucks mahusive cock that I can’t actually explain to anyone what’s wrong and why. And I have no fucking clue what to do.