I’m ok… really

No Internet shafted my posting for a while, then life got in the way. I’m back now. With a reflection/rant.

5 months and a day ago everything I ever planned for the future crashed and burned. Part of me hasn’t came out since then either. 

Over a year ago I offered to share the most precious thing I had in life with someone I actually trusted. My mistake. They took my relationship, all my plans for the future, person I love way more than I could ever explain. Pushed me out of my life and my common sense. Yes. I made mistakes. Epic ones in fact. Both me and him did. I have moved on with my life. So did he. We are friends and I treasure this friendship more than anything. But I’m not recovered. Most of the time I’m actually ok. I’m happy. Then all of sudden my mind goes for a wander. I know there is no power in the universe that could change things. I just wish we could both sit down and talk about everything that went wrong. Explain why we sometimes acted the way we did. 

I’d give anything to somehow exchange minds for just a night. So we could see things the way the other one saw/sees them. He says what happened wasn’t my fault but his actions said differently many times. And yes. I’d do anything to clear it all up properly and even more for a chance to start from a scratch. I’m still the person he fell in love with. Just clearly wasn’t good enough. Clearly it was easier to leave without a word than actually try and resolve it. 

I would lie if I said I hold no grudge. I don’t hate him nor her. I hate some of their actions but nobody is perfect and we all fuck up. I detest the way she treated people she called friends. I detest the way she treated me and lack of respect she had for mine and his relationship. It still hurts to see that so many things were alright for her to do but were seen as out of order if I did them. I hate the lies they both told. There were things that went wrong regardless but they were fixable. Potentially anyway. I hate some of the things I did and said. 

I hate the fact that I still mourn Little Kitty and the thing that cuts deeper than anything is that the only person I want/need/am able to talk about it to is him. No. I haven’t melted down on his shoulder about all of this. I can’t, It’s the last thing he and our friendship need. It just sucks mahusive cock that I can’t actually explain to anyone what’s wrong and why. And I have no fucking clue what to do.