One failed relationship and a lot of drama later…world’s still spinning. Either way.  The topic of this post has very little to do with my recent relationship life and a lot to do with recent ponderings of my twisted brain.  This one is about bottlers.  Everyone knows at least one bottler. If you don’t you’re either not very perceptive or you are the bottler amongst your close ones.  Now what is a bottler?  Bottler is that lovely guy or girl who’s there for everyone but you’ve never seen them upset or hurt.  Bottler always claims to be ok.  Bottler will insist that they can deal with everything on their own and will not allow people to be there for them unless they’re  armed with a lot of patience and a sledge hammer.  The funny thing is sooner or later a bottler WILL explode and it won’t  be pretty. Especially that since bottler never let anyone close they most likely  are going to push anyone trying to help them away.  Now here is a message from heart to all the bottlers and their friends. If you’re  a bottler you’re  going to insist  that it worked for you so far even if you break down every other week just to bottle it all back up then rinse and repeat. Now, my dear bottler.  I’m  pretty sure you have at least  one friend who will still care about you if you let them into your head. True friends don’t think any less of their close ones just because they opened up.  True friends won’t leave after seeing your true feelings and emotions. I know  past experiences might  have made you believe  otherwise but in all honesty whoever made you trust then left when you did- they weren’t worth your time.  It takes a lot of strength to open up and trust again but think of those friends of yours  who just happened to walk in at the wrong moment, when you couldn’t  keep the cork on that bottle and stood by you.  These are your true friends and opening up to them isn’t going  to make the world stop spinning, it won’t  start zombie apocalypse nor kill a kitten but it might make you feel better and maybe just maybe make you happier.  It is also likely  to bring  you closer with a friend or two and distinguish between dicks  and true friends. Dear bottler, as hard as it is you ARE strong  enough to trust and you CAN show your true self to those who care. You deserve the same amount of care and support you give out

As for those close to a bottler. No amount of pushing  is going  to help you get through  bottlers’ defences. What you truly need is honesty and patience.  Ability to show them that you accept them no matter what and never think of them as weak or pathetic.  Just stand by them.

And a short and straight  message to all those who stayed friends with someone as long as they were happy but disappeared as soon as the friend showed that they do have feelings, that things in their life whether big or small do affect them and that they need support as much as you do… You’re not friends.  You’re immature leeches and I hope you die in a firey pit of zombies.


Of Life, Death and Things of late

Today is a very special day, it’s not my birthday, it’s not my relationship anniversary, graduation or anything like that. 

On 12th of December 2008 my best friend Nataniel closed his eyes forever. 

Since I could remember he was always ill and in hospital a lot. When I was 10 I found out why. He was suffering from cancer from an early age. He kept getting better then after a few months relapsing. I’ve always felt like his big sister. Like it was my job to look after him, protect him and try to make it all easier on him. I remember throwing a massive tantrum when my gran refused to take me to a different city to see him in the hospital. I remember being 11 and stubborn and telling my gran that it’s fine. If she won’t give me a lift I will find a way to do it myself. It involved a stubborn 11 year old, a map, a coach service and a very pissed of gran. 

Nat always kept himself to himself with most people. Because of his constant hospital visits he’d usually be homeschooled rather than at school although he always tried to go to proper school as much as he could. He was always warm and always tried to make other people feel better. He had brilliant sense of humour, amazing ability to talk to people and make them feel better, habit of pulling godawful pranks and flirting with nurses. 

He was brilliant at art, wrote the most beautiful poetry on the planet, had abundance of patience, empathy and hope. He rarely complained and he always believed in good in people. He could shrug the worst news off in a blink just because he was so used to it. 

His views on life and death were the most comforting thing on the planet. He always said that sometimes death is just another chapter, just more peaceful and written in a language that no one understands. He didn’t want to be remembered as a flimsy figure wrapped in millions of tubes, he wanted people to see HIM not what’s killing him. He never gave up on trying to make it so. He will always live in my heart and I’m proud of having known him. I just wish he lived to see me all grown-up(ish) and more to the point lived to realise his dream. This is why I want to carry on what he wanted me to do. I want to keep my promises and celebrate his LIFE every year.  

I love him for all he was.