Well

One failed relationship and a lot of drama later…world’s still spinning. Either way.  The topic of this post has very little to do with my recent relationship life and a lot to do with recent ponderings of my twisted brain.  This one is about bottlers.  Everyone knows at least one bottler. If you don’t you’re either not very perceptive or you are the bottler amongst your close ones.  Now what is a bottler?  Bottler is that lovely guy or girl who’s there for everyone but you’ve never seen them upset or hurt.  Bottler always claims to be ok.  Bottler will insist that they can deal with everything on their own and will not allow people to be there for them unless they’re  armed with a lot of patience and a sledge hammer.  The funny thing is sooner or later a bottler WILL explode and it won’t  be pretty. Especially that since bottler never let anyone close they most likely  are going to push anyone trying to help them away.  Now here is a message from heart to all the bottlers and their friends. If you’re  a bottler you’re  going to insist  that it worked for you so far even if you break down every other week just to bottle it all back up then rinse and repeat. Now, my dear bottler.  I’m  pretty sure you have at least  one friend who will still care about you if you let them into your head. True friends don’t think any less of their close ones just because they opened up.  True friends won’t leave after seeing your true feelings and emotions. I know  past experiences might  have made you believe  otherwise but in all honesty whoever made you trust then left when you did- they weren’t worth your time.  It takes a lot of strength to open up and trust again but think of those friends of yours  who just happened to walk in at the wrong moment, when you couldn’t  keep the cork on that bottle and stood by you.  These are your true friends and opening up to them isn’t going  to make the world stop spinning, it won’t  start zombie apocalypse nor kill a kitten but it might make you feel better and maybe just maybe make you happier.  It is also likely  to bring  you closer with a friend or two and distinguish between dicks  and true friends. Dear bottler, as hard as it is you ARE strong  enough to trust and you CAN show your true self to those who care. You deserve the same amount of care and support you give out

As for those close to a bottler. No amount of pushing  is going  to help you get through  bottlers’ defences. What you truly need is honesty and patience.  Ability to show them that you accept them no matter what and never think of them as weak or pathetic.  Just stand by them.

And a short and straight  message to all those who stayed friends with someone as long as they were happy but disappeared as soon as the friend showed that they do have feelings, that things in their life whether big or small do affect them and that they need support as much as you do… You’re not friends.  You’re immature leeches and I hope you die in a firey pit of zombies.

I’m ok… really

No Internet shafted my posting for a while, then life got in the way. I’m back now. With a reflection/rant.

5 months and a day ago everything I ever planned for the future crashed and burned. Part of me hasn’t came out since then either. 

Over a year ago I offered to share the most precious thing I had in life with someone I actually trusted. My mistake. They took my relationship, all my plans for the future, person I love way more than I could ever explain. Pushed me out of my life and my common sense. Yes. I made mistakes. Epic ones in fact. Both me and him did. I have moved on with my life. So did he. We are friends and I treasure this friendship more than anything. But I’m not recovered. Most of the time I’m actually ok. I’m happy. Then all of sudden my mind goes for a wander. I know there is no power in the universe that could change things. I just wish we could both sit down and talk about everything that went wrong. Explain why we sometimes acted the way we did. 

I’d give anything to somehow exchange minds for just a night. So we could see things the way the other one saw/sees them. He says what happened wasn’t my fault but his actions said differently many times. And yes. I’d do anything to clear it all up properly and even more for a chance to start from a scratch. I’m still the person he fell in love with. Just clearly wasn’t good enough. Clearly it was easier to leave without a word than actually try and resolve it. 

I would lie if I said I hold no grudge. I don’t hate him nor her. I hate some of their actions but nobody is perfect and we all fuck up. I detest the way she treated people she called friends. I detest the way she treated me and lack of respect she had for mine and his relationship. It still hurts to see that so many things were alright for her to do but were seen as out of order if I did them. I hate the lies they both told. There were things that went wrong regardless but they were fixable. Potentially anyway. I hate some of the things I did and said. 

I hate the fact that I still mourn Little Kitty and the thing that cuts deeper than anything is that the only person I want/need/am able to talk about it to is him. No. I haven’t melted down on his shoulder about all of this. I can’t, It’s the last thing he and our friendship need. It just sucks mahusive cock that I can’t actually explain to anyone what’s wrong and why. And I have no fucking clue what to do.